If you really think about it 'borders' are fascinating things. One of those many things which are inconspicuous but truly fascinating by all means. A part of me would always remain to be suspicious of the wretched souls who made sure that people are torn between numerous borders. There is a certain kind of melancholy associated with the very idea of trying to make some sense out of it.
Of all kinds of borders and barbed wires festooned, to me, people seem to carry the most pertinent ones with them. What could be the nature of force that has worked behind drawing vivid borders all across the existence of human beings? One can only wonder about these things! As far back as the human history goes we are being reminded about different countries, ethnicities, languages, religions and never to forget our skin colour. If not necessary it is okay to defy these identities etched on our skin by an extrinsic system.
Despite tremendous dictation there has always been people who have strived to transcend various borders. Authors and story tellers have found their calling in the form of 'words' in these ongoing battles. Curiously, we have been calling it fiction. We have stories about werewolves and centaurs to read, its very existence among us itself is an act of rebel. To feel fewer conflicts in our body and mind we could perhaps read about them.
Where does one end and the other starts? All because we have been taught that there are numerous borders which run through us, it's utterly pointless to live divided. It is a funny thing that how easily it evades us the fact that we are all porous creatures, the way we are intertwined at the core, how we can bleed into each other.
I look at all my years as rivers. And I choose them over Oceans, it's almost a mystery. Whenever I'm at this meeting point of two years it matters to me 'where I am'! This is probably because I have been in lots of places, not as a traveler though, those were simply my circumstances. But this time I had planned everything just to be on one of those peaks. High altitude serves right to my senses and that's been my excuse. Even though there is much to add to it like 'ghosts of dead trees, souls of bereaving forests' I digress here. Here, I want to share that time, I lay in a tent all alone for a while in a fetal position.
Fellow Trekkers at Munnar Hill Station
For a good number of minutes I was aware that my physical body is in a sublime state but sending intermittent signals at the same time, and why? At this place where we all had gathered to spend the night, it had mighty peaks guarding their only home. The chilly wind there like frolicking children made sure that we felt its presence even if we were hiding under a rock. And that is by sending shivers right through the flesh and into our bones. I almost forgot what my toes felt like being attached to my poor legs that night!
I was away from all the noise, I could hear my own heartbeats. It was only minutes ago that I was with rest of the group making my little contribution to the overall loudness around that place. The Moon was almost round and kept sneaking upon us from time to time. You know how the Moon can be on nights like these, very suspicious!
Almost Full moon
The people I met there, they had traveled quite long distances to be together at that surreal point. These were all such wild spirited companions on a trek! For as long as we played 'Antakshari' they never really ran out of beautiful melodies and convincingly bossed at presenting them as well. And I couldn't have imagined it to be so damn cold out there or rather, the presence of such chilly wind. I think my little brain always deters me from surmising such terrific details. It works for me somehow. And then I could do this irrespective of occasions, I can always stare right back at me as an outsider and wonder 'how did I end up being here, of all the places?' It is a beautiful pain I have labored through all my years.
I got back into my Tent around 10 pm because I'm insufferable when body starts warring against my willpower to fit in anywhere. I don't fit in, it's as simple as that. So I lay there all alone without a single soul around and I was getting this stingy feeling that cold is creeping up right until the tip of my head from my toes. For me, extreme cold becomes a person in situations like these, and i imagine it to have long crooked limbs and breathes ice into the atmosphere, although I'm pretty sure it is faceless.
Campfire ~ Tent N Trek
Up at these peaks where Skies seem impending (too many Sci-Fi movies) i began counting time by seconds because we have entered into a new year. I was then brooding while slowly turning numb by parts without a soul in sight. For distractions, I started searching for all things i could recognize in that blackness, sleeping bags and that was about it! I even imagined about possibilities of some reptiles making its way into our tent, but nothing really happened other than my increased awareness of my life breathing back into me.
Something came over me that night, although I could have easily grown frustrated, I was not! I could feel the whole place in an elevated spirit and that was solely because of the cheery crowd present there. That night I couldn't have been able to drag my lazy ass out of that tent ( I couldn't feel it more precisely) but I devoured the terrific combination of eerie quiet closer to me and the bustle a bit far in the open. I got to thinking if I was reachable to some ghostly souls that night. Maybe someone could crossover to find me in that serene place, all bitten by cold, vulnerable by the darkness, haunted by the very thoughts i shouldn't have at that time - 'So is this what death feels like? Cold, dark, isolated, awake, but a bit far away from other people?' but it was something purely beautiful!! Peaceful.
It has been decades since I posted something in here. Life could have been anything, but now that it has brought me to this, I am 'Amused', most of all. Fiddling with all the nuances of all my years in between, feels GRATEFUL and truly that is!
Some of us can't be tamed to be anything different than what we already are! WE have dared once and wished to remain there without hesitations, always hoped to work that out in our favour; 'no matter if it takes a long time' we thought. 'DANCE'ing is that special place for me and forever, whomever I find there, are the BEST PART of my life. The most significant part of it any day. Life is simply great that way.
God knows I would always long for a place where we are 'what we are listening to' and hence 'dance to'!
Many years have passed since all
the big fun in my life has ended. But one can’t simply let go of such
recklessness once harnessed. I was mostly mute outside my classrooms and with
strangers. Those who have known me for the evil I really was, are my closest
childhood friends. Class topper, every year in primary, so I always had this ‘good
girl’ certificate also because I was silent and obedient around elders. I was
sick to my throat because of my asthmatic condition that almost took my life
but I wasn’t much bothered except for the endless nights, without any sleep, I had
spent at the hospitals and at home, my father carrying me on his shoulders. My
stupidity had known no boundaries those days.
Amma was quite strict that I don’t
stay outside after School much because I was a fragile sick child. Mother had
other responsibilities about grandparents hence, it was mostly me and two
brothers in the house. It wasn't our own house, Dad’s official Quarters because he was a cop in the city station. Always busy and away with work was his status
so basically it was my ruling at home. Amma
had seen to it that I don’t mess with my younger ones; I was a cruel elder
sister that’s how I personally recall those days. I had very little interest in my brothers
since I was supposed to be their saviour whenever we were outside playing with
other kids.
I can’t tell you about the
girlfriends I had; they were mostly boring not my ’type’ really. I was very fond of guys’ kind of games, like
playing Police and Thief and anything that involved some adventure. Apart from
the regular boys-gangs I used to play with, there were two other wicked kids (almost of
my younger brother’s age) who later turned out into my beloved crime partners.
These guys were the kind of headache every
parent would warn you to stay away from. I managed to befriend them both; I had
it in me at such tender years, I must be 4 or 5 when I decided to be friends with
them, to feel for trouble makers.
These two guys were extremely
aggressive that they mostly had fights in a format that of a mortal combat or
something, I don’t know, I think one of them was way out of ‘normal’ those days.
Both of them had one thing in common they were big fans of Sherlock Holmes
stories, one even had his mother working as a U.P class teacher so he was sort
of a nerd too, but he was popular with the name ‘Mowgli’. This guy loved Jungle Book
and would sing the theme song aloud all the time but people thought he had so
many similarities with the character Mowgli even in appearance. Tell you the
truth, I hated everyone who teased him with that name; he did even put up some
real fights with many kids, I remember. He used to beat shit out of other kids, even
my brothers had gotten into trouble with them both.
I have no idea why these kids
treated me nicely and were ready to listen to me, so I was their guardian or
the other way around I don’t know. Everyone was relieved that they listen to at
least one of the kids, which was me. For me, they were fearless they would
allow me to walk over the tallest of the walls and help me to climb over
biggest of the trees. I was not supposed to do all these were a different story;
I loved to mess around all the time.
Living close to the jail, we were
always anxious to know what was going on, on the other side of the wall and what the
convicts would look like in real, so we had spent a lot of time trying to break
in to that part of the city station from where we could have a glimpse of the
jail and also the huge animals (our imagination) they had been feeding there,
later we saw, the two fierce dogs which became these guys’ friends, I only
liked them from far!
The best part of my friendship
with these two guys was the big Tree by the temple nearby. It was the tallest
and biggest tree around, a Rain Tree which must be really very old. It covers a
huge part of the upper portion of our buildings; it had its branches bent
towards our terrace. We three had learned that we could actually climb over the
tree from terrace but it was our secret. They had stolen some heavy ropes from
their homes and we made knots to bring down the branches to the terrace floor
and then 2 of us would sit over the branch while one controls it from the
ground. We took turns to pull down the branch and then to suddenly get rid of
the rope so that the others would be released with a force into the air. It was
a dangerous game to play because such force could either break the branches or
could simply toss us into the air and finally to the ground. We were insane; we
never cared about the possibilities of any accidents that could happen. Every day, we used to get the rope, tie it and
take it down while we left. This went on for months and months and one fine day
one of their parents came to know about this; apparently somebody reported this
to their parents I still don’t know if that was my own brothers because we had
publicly declared it as our property when they found out and many were angry
and jealous at the same time. Hmmm.
It was a horrible incident, my
friend’s Dad rushed to the terrace one evening, just to see two of us over the
tree and one standing down at the end of a rope. He was so furious, I never
really had a good relationship with that person in general, and again he saw me
with those boys. He started scolding us like anything and as the eldest and being the girl among them he blamed me for
everything, he then threatened to go to my parents and complain, before leaving
he had beaten hell out of his boy and the other as well in front of me. I was
called home and my mother could not believe her daughter’s wickedness. I got
more than enough from Amma and when Dad returned he also gave me just fine. My
friendship with them had broken, I was asked to stay away from those guys thereafter,
not only that our parents got into verbal fights and everything turned out to be an utter disaster.
When we finally grew up, thank
god I was sent away to the hostels, one of them later joined me only to run
away from that school while the other was shifted to new house. At the moment
one is in Thailand who is so fond of me and my brothers are among his best
friends and the other he got into Police Service just like his father. His
mother often visits Amma and they’re good now.
Oh, I even had taught our ’Mowgli’
Bharathnatyam, when the only thing I knew about dance was Shobhana’s ‘Nagavalli’
dance! :D
She says, she crosses mountains and valleys to reach there; All she ever wants is to play. I ask her, if she could listen to some stories This little girl says No and starts sobbing; I don't compel, I'm supposed to be a listener, then I console... She told me, she's tired of stories and; I could be her favorite Playmate; we smile. I no longer ask her no questions; Neither do I read eyes, I panic, What if I find pain? no love and no trust? But as she smiles even the clouds descend; Just to watch this sanguine child. She must be an Angel, now I reckon.
I don't even know if I had wished for anything better than this in my life or if, Life itself had turned out to be anything different than this, I don't know how better I could have enjoyed it... A person who is crazy to the utmost to even plan a successful life, as they all(others) wish, could find happiness in the darkest places. That is how people like me survive, if you are not aware of it. So I would want you normal human beings to just shun their ways and ignore them because there lies your eternal happiness in ignorance of the MISFITS, now don't even dare to imagine that these rants go anywhere desirable for you to finally understand what this is all about, because I always end up having the worst plans for those who imagine so.
Those people who are absolutely clumsy at deciding priorities in Life, sadly can't be the ones to invest your expectations on. They are spontaneous by nature and it is so apparent that they tend to slip away from rational laws yet don’t pamper any criminal instincts because it is a fact that such instincts don’t favor any reliable solutions.
The problem is why to take a road when you can simply assume the cheap thrills waiting on your way, I find no fun in knowing the obvious, the one truth I refuse to fight anytime. Liberation could be that guardian angel you kiss good night to, every single day, if you dare to be a less rational and more of a routine sucker, my two cents (you are free to ignore). The worst part of being a jerk is that people can't really piss you off, contrary to their common belief that they can, and the best part is this world could be as vast as blue sky and as small as a coffin, in between you could be a schizophrenic or as mundane as everyone else, interestingly you know it.
When that someone asks you to get
lost I would say don’t hesitate; sometimes it is necessary to take it a bit too
seriously and then find out a place that will make you feel lot more a stranger
than you usually are. I am genuinely blabbering I know, because it’s tough this
time; I think I want to talk about being in love. It sounds stupid, but it was just
perfect exactly the way I have imagined. That compelling urge to fall
wholeheartedly I felt, was fierce. I don’t even know what this ‘love at first
sight’ crap is all about, Just as the way I can’t hate a person in first sight
it is one of those myths for me. But for us silly humans, we can’t really
predict what life has in store for us.
As long as I can remember I had a
thing for forests and it goes back to school days. My brain must have had developed
a great deal of fantasies about being in luscious Rain Forests back in there. I
still recall how my heart used to pound thinking about Amazon which would
eventually find a refuge at my nearest possible destination which is Silent Valley.
It’s not my Science or geography teacher who did that voodoo on me it’s the
lush green, the mighty trees and the exotic fauna there. I‘ve personally felt
that all such pure cravings of a Human soul are more sacred than any man made
shrines or relationships.
That was not a planned tour; we
had a different purpose in Attappady – to visit SARANG. We had to travel from Trichur to
Palakkad and from there to Mannarkkad all in public transportation. From Mannarkkad
we took a bus to Aanakkatti that’s how we reached Agali. I had no clue that I
would be staying any closer to Silent Valley and AHADS
- where we had our stay arranged surely has a beautiful campus. But everything
seemed frivolous to what I felt in those woods. It was intense, deep and I kept
on falling for every candid hue of Green. Every hill there seemed to have a
mighty heart for me; rocks stood like the most powerful Guardians had me
euphoric. I haven’t seen such huge rocks before, standing tall for meters and
meters amidst a Rain forest; these Western Ghats is a symbol of Nature’s
strength.
It was just two of us and we had
none around to guide us, so… basically it was us and a lot of strangers. We
only saw a small part of Silent Valley but something happened when I saw those mighty
trees, they were tall and even their roots are longer because I could see them
at every curve we passed. Although we don’t hear, I know these trees can talk; if
they think that you love them they talk a bit louder, and the wind carry their
conversations afar. I even started to think of my death while climbing the pass
(funny but its true); I thought if I die there, I would want my parents to know
that I had the most beautiful death I can dream of in this lifetime. But… I
think it’s not my time yet.
Every path we take would lead us
to some fresh water streams or river and that’s it, we can't ignore the
water, breeze, rocks and also there are huge Wind mills; I have not seen such
a thing ever before. In such a climate my physical conditions normally won’t
allow me to take things for granted. I have a chronic sinusitis that instantly
kills all of my strongest desires to romance with a chill weather, but
surprisingly I was perfectly alright. First time ever in my life I experienced
‘greed’, greed to fill my lungs and every pore in my body with fresh air.
Away from noise, pollution and my
home I found a home to fall in love, to feel whole alive. It’s impossible for
me to make you feel what I have felt there, it’s even harder to explain in
words and I am sure these feelings are indigenous to Humans but we are taught
to limit ourselves. This Society has already framed everything for us; love is
that what you feel for money and those silly pleasures but then what about
greater sense of Love, Love this society made you believe does not exist. When
man eye for economic development there starts exploitation, that’s what it
happened there too. Many of the rivers disappeared and AHADS team had been
trying to reinforce the ecosystem and I think they are pretty much successful
in doing so. When I got back I had myself in a closed room in tears for no
reason, I already started missing everything about that place and this I know -
I want to go back and be there for some time because True Love is something
Pure, Irresistible and Deep like a Rain Forest!
(My Bad I didn’t carry a camera,
I only had my mobile cam and much thanks to Rahman sir, Amit Trivedi and Avial band for such beautiful songs.Usually when I
travel my playlist simply have all
Alternate Rock stuff but this time I had gone all Desi. Amit Trivedi’s Pareshaan, Rahman sir’s Rockstar especially
Tum Ho and 22FK songs from Avial and Rex topped my list )
Water – it has always been something beyond a plain liquid to quench my thirst, in fact it is one of those GREAT feelings to me. I would love to indulge in water as much as I long for the sight of roses in garden. It is much of an intriguing but a true feeling. It has not been very long since I realized my insatiable love for this element. Perhaps there is an unrequited way of loving the very causes of our life. I don’t go by the might of it or any physical characteristics when it comes to my affinity towards water because I would have preferred the mountains (earth) in any such case.
Food delivers such a gratifying feeling for many I know, but that does not work right for me, for some reason unknown. I don’t know if it has something to do with my body temperature because it seems to be pretty high most of the time, well I don’t believe it is the only reason. Of course water is not a dubious idea at all for me to frown at, unlike air I can see it. In fact it is conspicuous by all means; in that case it is certainly not my curiosity at play.
Seeds of this love might have sown during my School/hostel days. We had to literally walk for kilometers to fetch some water when we were merely 12 or 13, but that has definitely taught us the value of it. Tell you the truth, those days a bucket full of water for a day was considered a big fortune. Over the years these memories have bestowed much an intensified feeling for Water that now, the very first touch of it can take me away from this abyss called life.
Thusharagiri Water falls
Rivers, lakes, waterfalls, and oceans the bliss is endless, even the monsoon clouds speak a language of water. If you listen carefully you will hear stories of life that were passed on to them through roots to the trees destined at the Sky. Have you ever noticed the joy of a swan dancing on water? I have always admired that pure bliss. So whenever I dance I want to feel like walking on water, gracefully surrendering to a Water God. Also, I think my Soulmate (if exists) would be someone more like water you know Deep (and bluish :D), since I don’t know swimming I’m warned for a drowning death in a Water world.
Most of the people are terrified by the very idea of ‘God’ ‘Angels’ ‘Demons’ etc. If you agree or not I think there exists an associated fear that travels from person to person along with these ‘religious’ terms. I swear, my intention here is not to give you some religious delight when I, myself is so illiterate on any religion and most importantly, majority of people find it so irrelevant and insignificant in recent times. As a walking primate, my stupidity has given me enough of opportunities to grow fond of every related ethereal entity and at this point of time, I find myself accountable to share my thoughts on these ‘ideas’.
We are all acquainted with them on moving frames. With Angelic faces and benevolent nature Angels are believed to be the servers of God whereas Demons are species of dismal outrage and core of all dreadful deeds. They look much obscure and interesting on a parallel universe far from reality. On a personal note, they are closer to my heart than my brain & I count myself among those who have a valid link connecting both. As a kid, I thought sky is the abode of Angels and it’s over those white clouds, they graze and I imagined them to be extraordinary singers (I don’t know what I would have thought of Angelic voice until I heard Enya) who would croon us to stillness on, sleep deprived nights. Well, I remember some of those nights surrendering to luxury of sleep like never before; after most unfortunate days.
Our knowledge of this physical world as well as the spiritual world is very much limited. Always remember the Absolute or Final Truth is beyond the reach of men which leave us with more opportunities to improve ourselves as Humans. We expect to see growth in every area of life but just think how ignorant are we at ourselves? We don’t want to conform to the laws of nature; our ignorance does not allow us to believe in stories of Angels (Good) and Demons (Evil). Well, they are all part of our lives. They are trees, flowers, birds; they are among those people we meet every day and sometimes those strangers whom we don’t even meet on a daily basis. But the question is ‘Do you really want to see what life is offering?”
When I look back now, I can see too many people. Most of them are friends; from school, from college, roommates in hostels, colleagues. My reminiscences say that, I had wonderful people around me when I was in need. We would not have freaked out or acted out to be best friends but every little deed and care of such people has added little more light into my life. For life is the greatest teacher, some of the lessons are to be learned in toughest ways and that is all about the bad times and wrong people. Demons or devils or whatever it is; they are in all of us. For me they are those lousy human beings who have no self-respect or moral values. Finally it’s up to us, what we make of it. If we let us drown looking at the misfortunes, we will never recognize the presence of Angels in our lives. Such times are the best stage set for self realization to know what it differs us from others. Don’t think that I am on a judging spree but I am watchful and that is what life has taught me in 25+ years. I still believe in Angels because I love to feel their presence in my life and Life - it is my favorite subject.
When I first listened to Imogen Heap I knew she is going to be one of those - my most favorite singers today; but however I could never imagine her singing Hindi lyrics some day. As a part of ’The Dewarists’, her latest track a collaboration with one of the Indian music director/ singer Vishal from Vishal-Shekhar duo is a big surprise for me. I find Imogen as an extremely talented musician who create original music with a whole lot of amazing instruments. These instruments produce sounds that are closer to the sounds in Nature, that’s what I’ve felt and she keeps on bringing fresh sound to my ears. Here is the new track Minds Without fear.
This Imogen/Vishal song “Minds Without Fear’ is inspired from one of Rabindra Nath Tagore Poems. Tagore, for me is a great saint and writer whose Gitanjali is my favorite book. It is among those books closer to my heart where each word is a reflection of a man’s wisdom. Gitanjali was given to me as a consolation prize in my school for winning third place in a singing competition when I was in 6th std. And it is first of its kind for me (for singing) therefore the most precious prize ever. That was the first time I participated in any singing competition and winning was like heaven because I remember competing with my seniors.
My school Jawahar Navodaya Vidyalaya is a boarding school where you get admission only from 6th standard and have to spend 7 years till completing 12th std strictly inside the campus. That truly have been a life changing experience for me which makes me the person that I am today. Away from family, away from everything I had seen and known we lived in a world of our own like a Big Family.
About Minds Without Fear, I don’t know if any of my friends remember that Malayalam Prayer we had in our School. Our Music sir Asokan Sir taught this one when I was in 10th or 11th. What I remember is, he only tuned this Prayer with Tagore’s poem and I must say that is one of the most beautiful prayers we had in School. I’m not sure how many of my school friends remember this one because he directly taught us – music club of our School. So I had this privilege of learning it directly from him and I don’t think they had included it in our Syllabus. Anyway it is still one my favorite prayers. Now when I listen to Imogen/Vishal song, memories of that beautiful prayer is back and I feel happy about it.
So here is that poem in English.
Where The Mind is Without Fear!
Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake
When that someone asks you to get lost I would say don’t hesitate; sometimes it is necessary to take it a bit too seriously and then f...